Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Guilt & Dissapointment

Have you ever felt dissapointment and guilt at the same time? I fact, I'm feeling just that, right now. I just hate myself for getting nervous all over competiting with Yu Hua in badminton today. I actually CAN play better than I did today. It's just that I get nervous real fast, in front of other people and blush. Stupid, huh? I mean, I look like a fool out there! Lets just say that the scores are not pretty. I just felt kinda dissapointed that they killed us out there and I had wasted all that time training. It's not like I had high hopes we would win, but I kinda had a little spark of hope to at least win the first set.

The guilt comes in when I talked bad about my badminton partner to my other friends today. I actually said that she didn't back me up when the shuttlecock comes, that's why we lost. There is some truth to it, but the main reason is because I was nervous and I couldn't hit the ball high. Maybe it's because of the pressure my partner sometimes put me through that makes it easier to blame the lost to her. She always forces me to do things I don't feel like doing like, go tuition classes that last for 5 hours, twice a week. I needed a break from her. I've known her for 10 years now but I still feel like I don't know her, like she's some kinda stranger. We have absolutely nothing in common, at least, I don't think we do.

I sometimes feel like killing myself out of my hectic schedule. I should really ease up on the activities because I'm really really tired, out of...everything, really. The only days I can relax are on Tuesdays and Saturdays and that's not even a confirmation yet. No more anime, tv, novels and anything else that alters my mind from what really matters, listening to God's words. I always think that God doesn't answer my prayers and He don't talk to me at all. But he does, it's just that I'm too busy with other things to listen to Him. I feel awful for doing that to Him. I kept appologizing, but what use is that if I don't change? If I don't follow his ways, I'm gonna fall back and He won't wait for me ever again!!

1 comment:

Sakyou-dono said...

hi hi...... sakyou-dono lalu here... haha...

relax, plan ur time nicely la... wateva happens, we have ur back k? ^_^