Friday, March 12, 2010

Crying and Laughing

Have you ever felt so bad that you wished you could turn back time? Today for the first time in my life, I did. I was trusted with a job to finish editing my group's psychology movie assignment. I worked through the night for it and just for that one last hour before class, I slept and woke up at 11am with 10 missed calls and 2 messages with lots of exclamation marks. The messages said, "Where are you?! It's late already!" At first I thought I was dreaming because the sky can't be bright yet...I'm not sweating from nervousness in Winnee's class.

Then I felt like the whole world fell on my hurts but I can't do anything. All at once, a few voices started debating in my head.
My survival instincts came in and naturally I defended myself. "I'm human too! I slipped just that one time and I have to pay for it?"
Then another voice cried, "Why God!? Why would you do this to me!?"
An angry voice came out, "I haven't been talking to God. The many times I turned my back against God...this happens to me."
But God won't do this to me without reason, right? Then realization kicks me hard in the face. I remember hearing sermons about bad things happening to us and the first thing that comes into our minds is 'God is angry with me'. Most of the time, it's all our own doing...sure, God plans for these things to happen for us to learn but when it boils down to blaming, it's all us.

I tried to call Sue but she won't pick up...class is already over, she should be okay to answer my call.
Then I thought, "Oh no! What if she's still in class and her phone rang when I called her and now the whole class is punished because of me?"
That would certainly make them hate me more than they already do. As I pace around the house thinking what should I do...I cried in helplessness. They don't teach us in school on what to do when faced with these kinds of problems. I can never speak to my friends again and even if they forgive me, a crack will always be there in our friendship. They will never trust me again.

I sent a text to Sue and Audrey that read,
"Please call or text me. I can understand if you guys don't want to talk to me anymore. At least let me know if you handed in the other version or not."
Yes, there was another version of the assignment done by Sue. We were supposed to watch the two versions together and decide which one to hand in. Thankfully, Sue called me back...I was hesitant to pick up because I don't know what to say. Beg for forgiveness on my knees? I picked up and the first thing Sue said,
"Do we look like idiots to you?"
In my mind, "I'm doomed!!"
I answered..."No."
She said, "Of course we handed in my version."
I felt the whole world just lifted off my shoulder and I could smile again.
She said, "Don't beat yourself up la..."
I could only manage to answer in short grunts after that because I couldn't express how thankful I am.

I put down the phone and cried and laughed at the same time. It's not the end of the world after all. I have always known that sleep was my greatest enemy. Sleep to me is like Kryptonite to Superman. The reason why I'm always late for everything in the past, present and most probably in the future is sleep and time management problems. Well...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? So now I know that I should never lie on the bed when I'm pulling an all-nighter.

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