Guilt

So much have happened. I might be facing yet another funeral. It's just that this time, I would really cry for a long time. She was like a mother to me in so many ways. My biological mum worked to feed us while she stayed at home to take care of us. We had lots of fun, from doing homework together and cooking to taking long afternoon naps. I loved those moments together. Then I got older and somehow distanced myself from her. I had other stuffs to do that seemed more important at that time. Now that I look back, it's not worth sacrificing all the precious time we could've shared.

She was always there, in her room resting. I had so many chances to talk to her about the gospel. Her health got worse, my mum had to send her to the nursing home because we each had something to do. When we visited her, she always wanted to go home, saying how she feels more comfortable at home. She was right, staying at the nursing home with no one to talk to really brings a new definition to boredom. I told myself that I would visit her more often, now that it's so critical. Something always come into the picture, holding me back.

You know, I've always had this dream that my whole family would stand by my side, worshipping the Lord with me. We would speak in tongues together and the Lord would smile at us. I would always experience indescribable joy just by imagining it. It's time for me to grow up. For three years, I learned so much about Christianity...watched brothers and sisters in Christ around me building bridges to Him while I'm still reading the "Dummies Guide to Bridge Construction". I always hid under my sister's shadow. Watch her fight our wars. She sharpened my blade, strapped me with the best shields. I just let them rust over at the corner of my mind. It's time to stand at the front lines now.

The devil knows what buttons to push to make me doubt God's power. Everyone says it's not my fault. I know it's not my fault and yet whenever I think about it, it makes me cry and fear for the worst. You know how we always hear people tell us not to make promises we can't keep? Well, I heard it from God Himself. I know of it and try to keep that rule in mind all the time. It's just on that very day, I forgot about it entirely. I held her hand and told her that I'll be back that night to keep her company. I didn't keep that promise. She looked forward to seeing me and I didn't come. The next morning she was admitted into the hospital because of a stroke. According to my mum, she told the doctor that we don't want her no more, that we dumped her at the nursing home. I wanted to go to her, to say I'm sorry. In my mind I always thought I had more time. That it's okay to go tomorrow. I'm going to see her tomorrow but would she really be there?

She always had a bad impression on my sister. I was always the 'good one' that got influenced by my sister to go into Christianity, which to her, is bad. If only she knew of the truth. So many of my relatives died not knowing God. Now, one of my closest family members is about to go. Now, I will fight. Fight for the soul of my loved ones. I will no longer be a parasite. Pray for me...