Sunday, August 30, 2009

I've never felt so alone before...

In my 18 years of life, I've never felt so alone before. In fact, I loved being left alone most of the time. Maybe it's because I'm in between so many things and people right now, I don't really have a fixed group of people that I always hang around. There is always the awkward moment. I hate introducing myself to new people and having to get through that (which I'm still trying to) to become great friends. Or maybe it's because of what my sister has with Jessica that I feel I should have too.
I don't have that one person on earth that I can turn to every single time I have something to share. God says to love your neighbours as you love yourself. I'm trying my best to do that but I wonder if others around me are. It's sad but sometimes I imagine myself in a situation where my friends have to choose between myself and my other friends. Who would they pick? Most of the time it won't be me. It's like in school where we have to pick people to join our group project. I'm the one that got left out and the teacher has to stuff me somewhere else.
I'm not someone that stands out in the crowd, but a person that tries to hide away from attention most of the time. I want a friend that I can depend on every single time. Who won't bail out when I need him/her the most. Who understands me when I don't have to say a word at all. One that I know will always care for me. That won't judge me in what I do. Basically, what Jesus is to me. A mentor and a friend. It's hard to find one but I pray that God will grant me this wish.
Sometimes I think my family members are here for that but because they have to. Most of the time I put my friends first before my family but where does that get me? I don't know. People always want something from other people. That's how the world teaches us to survive. This post may have hurt my friends but please, don't feel that way. Because I still love you guys no matter what and I'll be there when you need me. I just hope that sometimes you can do the same for me too.


Simply Jess said...

You know what, I used to feel exactly how you're feeling right now - i love being left alone (still do actually) don't really have a 'fixed' group of buddies as i do now. It was awkward, yet I love the loneliness which got the better side of me sometimes - it led me to feel so alone in this world. Especially when I'm physically with a group of friends yet don't feel emotionally connected with them.

But I didn't realize I already have the bestest friend anyone could have! A friend who was willing to die for me because He loved me THAT much. And He is where we should anchor that love and trust we carry. Thus, we continue to learn to love Him; and to Him, the measurement of our love for Him would be the love for His people.

I believe you will see your prayers have been answered soon enough, just keep hanging in there! Moses didn't come to who He is in a day or two (in fact when it happened he sudah tua-tua right?) keep on praying and keep having faith babeh!

099babyG said...

why la wat happen! we r here always can talk to us! keep in touch!

Alexis said...

You know sometimes we wish for things we don't need. Wai Siong, you don't need to look or hope for someone to be there for you. Jesus is right where you are. I learnt it the hard way, that no matter how close a friend we might have, there can be no replacement for Jesus in our hearts. Don't look for anyone anymore, God is the one, Wai Siong.

When you start to love God sooo much, everything will change. You won't hope that people love you in return but you will continue to pour your love to them because Jesus loved you first.

Be strong. Look to Jesus first and not anyone or anything else.