Was it Enough?

Will I see granny in heaven? I know I will see her again...but will we spend our days together with God? Did she really accept Christ? Did I do enough for her?

This morning I woke up with Muse's Starlight playing. Replied Sue's message and went to the loo. I saw my parents' bedroom door open. That's weird...Dad said he will only go out at 12pm today. What's weirder is that my mum who usually wakes up at 9am is not in bed. Even my maid's not at home. I have a bad feeling.

Called my mum. She said nonchalantly, "Passed away already..." I knew it was coming. Just thinking about it I thought I will cry my heart out. I didn't. I just crawled back into bed and cried a little. I can't help wondering if she really did accept Christ in her heart. I texted my sister about it and tried sleeping again. She called me an hour later, asking about the funeral date. She asked me to go to YAflame blog to read her post.

I wonder if my sister and I are the only ones who care about Granny's death. Maybe not. Mum was acting pretty nasty today. She snapped at me because of simple matters. Dad was pretty cool about it. To the extent of calling my grandma's death a migration when announcing it to our relatives. He was sitting on the chair beside me just now...staring into space. For that 5 minutes, he actually seemed like a little boy, wondering where his mummy is.

I was looking at some photos just now..when I was a little baby. I was really close to granny. I took a lot of photos with her. I will always remember the things she always told me...the legacy she left for her family.

I did it

Yesterday, I didn't visit my grandma. I was at the zoo whole day, letting out all my worries by laughing. I was probably at my craziest yesterday for a some time. My friends most likely thought I was okay. Maybe I was okay. That whole day, I just put aside my problems and focused on working with the animals. When I came back, my maid told me grandma's condition has worsen. The doctor's giving her 3-4 days more to live. I didn't know what to say. I just told my mum we're going to visit her tomorrow. In my mind, I just told myself it's time to just tell her the truth before it's too late. I slept like a log...resting without a care in the world.

This morning, I told God that I'll fast and pray today...to show my faith. I wanted to fast before but it was hard without letting anyone know. Went on a Milo and water only diet whole day until dinner time. After that, I went for the Peer Mentoring Training Program. Couldn't find a parking spot and all...too much frustration for a Saturday morning. I just kept telling myself that I should be good to others, then maybe grandma would feel better.

I came back and slept some more. Woke up and went to the hospital alone. Maybe it was God's plan...it was time for the real thing. After rehearsing the gospel in Cantonese last night, I told it to my grandma. She couldn't speak, you see. So, every time I told her something, she just groaned or frowned. I kept repeating to her that "You must believe that Jesus is God!!" She tried talking but I don't understand. I told her that I may not understand what she's saying, but God does. I didn't know what more to do...so I just repeated John 3:16 in Cantonese and read the Bible to her in English. Suddenly, I remembered about how the disciples spoke in tongues which only God knows how to interpret but surprisingly, each person in the crowd around them heard their own language being spoken. So, I just spoke in tongues, hoping she can understand and God too, can speak to her.

Going through this, I sometimes wished that the whole world would just stop. Because she's in pain, I feel as if I shouldn't be happy. I feel like everyone should just stop and look around them. I know it's wrong for me to hope for that. Just grab every chance you have, you don't know when's the last chance you'll ever get. Like what a someone great once said, "Don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today."

Guilt

So much have happened. I might be facing yet another funeral. It's just that this time, I would really cry for a long time. She was like a mother to me in so many ways. My biological mum worked to feed us while she stayed at home to take care of us. We had lots of fun, from doing homework together and cooking to taking long afternoon naps. I loved those moments together. Then I got older and somehow distanced myself from her. I had other stuffs to do that seemed more important at that time. Now that I look back, it's not worth sacrificing all the precious time we could've shared.

She was always there, in her room resting. I had so many chances to talk to her about the gospel. Her health got worse, my mum had to send her to the nursing home because we each had something to do. When we visited her, she always wanted to go home, saying how she feels more comfortable at home. She was right, staying at the nursing home with no one to talk to really brings a new definition to boredom. I told myself that I would visit her more often, now that it's so critical. Something always come into the picture, holding me back.

You know, I've always had this dream that my whole family would stand by my side, worshipping the Lord with me. We would speak in tongues together and the Lord would smile at us. I would always experience indescribable joy just by imagining it. It's time for me to grow up. For three years, I learned so much about Christianity...watched brothers and sisters in Christ around me building bridges to Him while I'm still reading the "Dummies Guide to Bridge Construction". I always hid under my sister's shadow. Watch her fight our wars. She sharpened my blade, strapped me with the best shields. I just let them rust over at the corner of my mind. It's time to stand at the front lines now.

The devil knows what buttons to push to make me doubt God's power. Everyone says it's not my fault. I know it's not my fault and yet whenever I think about it, it makes me cry and fear for the worst. You know how we always hear people tell us not to make promises we can't keep? Well, I heard it from God Himself. I know of it and try to keep that rule in mind all the time. It's just on that very day, I forgot about it entirely. I held her hand and told her that I'll be back that night to keep her company. I didn't keep that promise. She looked forward to seeing me and I didn't come. The next morning she was admitted into the hospital because of a stroke. According to my mum, she told the doctor that we don't want her no more, that we dumped her at the nursing home. I wanted to go to her, to say I'm sorry. In my mind I always thought I had more time. That it's okay to go tomorrow. I'm going to see her tomorrow but would she really be there?

She always had a bad impression on my sister. I was always the 'good one' that got influenced by my sister to go into Christianity, which to her, is bad. If only she knew of the truth. So many of my relatives died not knowing God. Now, one of my closest family members is about to go. Now, I will fight. Fight for the soul of my loved ones. I will no longer be a parasite. Pray for me...