Cortisol Levels Going Up Up Up

So I'm back again with more problems. This is my place to go to with my problems. You are now my dumping ground for my problems. It's days like this that makes me regret coming here, or even regret being alive. Don't worry...I may have suicidal thoughts now but I'm not actually going to do it. I love myself too much and I'm pretty sure God still wants me around a bit longer.

First off, we have some drama in the house I'm staying at. It never really involved me primarily but there's always been drama in the house. Today, all that pent-up anger just got released and we have a few very upset people due to some misunderstandings. I am partially to blame and I do have to clear this up. I have a feeling I will blame myself for the rest of my life just like what happened with grandma. My only way out of this cycle of idiocy is if I do everything in my will to fix this. And I will.

Next, we have this thing on campus that a friend and I feel like we don't like anymore. That's all I'm saying. No elaboration in order to avoid any more drama.

Finally, a friend and I was supposed to go on a trip but that might not happen because of her visa problems. And I'm sad 'cause I may not see this friend again.

On top of all that is an exam tomorrow, I'm not doing as well in my classes, I'm graduating soon and I'm not sure what's my plan and I'm frustrated at myself for not having a closer relationship with God. It's times like this that makes me feel like it's not such a bad thing if the world ended now. I need to pray - more and faster.

BTW, cortisol is a stress hormone, hence the post title. Oh, and it's also released during pregnancy. Not that I am! Just sayin' is all.

I hate America!

Well...not all of America. Just the people dealing with my money. First off, Stony Brook University raised the tuition fee because Cuomo passed the bill to increase the tuition fees of SUNYs every year for the next five years because he wants to improve the education system. But who knows how much of that money goes into the education fund? A little heads up would have been nice. Just a few weeks before I transferred (after I've paid all the deposits) they told me that, "Oh, we're gonna take more money from you because we can." It frustrates me so much that there's nothing I can do to prevent that. Because he's the governor, he can take my money?

Then there's Bank of America. Don't even get me started on the overdraft fine. That is just ridiculous. But what happened today is even more ridiculous. So I opened an account with BOA on the 17th of August. I was given a temporary debit card when I opened the account and was told that I will get the permanent one in about 7 business days. It's been exactly a month. They've sent me two mails; one bank statement and one for tax forms (which I don't know why I have to do. I'm not a US citizen! You're not taking any more money from me!). But no sign of any debit card. Oh, that's fine and dandy until I realized that my temporary card expired because I couldn't pay my tuition fees or take my money out of the ATM. I called customer service and was put on hold (that's fine and all IF THEY WOULD JUST STOP PLAYING THE BLOODY MACHINE SAYING SHIT LIKE, "BECAUSE OUR CUSTOMERS ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO US, WE MAY E-MAIL YOU WITH A BRIEF SURVEY TO GET REVIEWS ON OUR CUSTOMER SERVICE" I'd rather have my arms ripped off than answer a BOA survey!) What I got from Ashlee of customer service was that BOA ordered a permanent card for me but FORGOT TO MAIL IT TO ME! Ohhh....you had no idea how much I wanted to curse her. But I didn't. So proud of me. I called 2 weeks ago and was told that I will get it in 10 business days. Why didn't that lady tell me they FORGOT TO MAIL IT!? Would've been nice to know then. I have to wait till they send me the bloody card on Friday. So now, I have no way of getting to my money. I am stranded in the United States of America with no money. Good job, Bank of America. I applaud you.

Then there's AT&T. I signed up for it in the city and used it for 3 days. Cancelled it on the 4th day to get on Virgin Mobile because it was too expensive. Got charged $54 for 3 days of calls, texts and the activation fee plus tax. I was told that I will get my $500 deposit back in 2 weeks, plus US Postal Office mail time. I was supposed to get that check yesterday. But no...I didn't. I check the mail box every single day. So I called them after BOA. They didn't mail a check at all. They credited my deposit but it was never mailed out. The case was even closed! What? So if I didn't call...they would've just taken my money like that? Lady on the line said she'd open the case for me again. Now I have to wait for another week for them to call back so they can figure out how to send me the money. Which means I have to wait godknowshowlong for the check/credit. What irks me so much is that it took minutes for them to take money from my account for the bill but it's been a month and they still haven't sent me my deposit back. What's up with that?!

You want to know what is wrong with all of them? When it comes to money, they don't care who they screw over. They just want their benefits. Customer service is just a way for them to screw us over even more with their phone holds and surveys. They don't take the effort to tell us what we have to do step by step to get what we want. When I opened the account with BOA, she didn't bother telling me the fine details. Just gave me a booklet and told me how to credit money into the account, use eBanking and take money from ATM. What about the tax forms? Or how I have to pay to cancel my account? Same goes with AT&T. If the guy on the line told me how to get my deposit back (or if I can even get it back) when he cancelled my line, it would've been nice. Thank you America, you strengthened my love for Malaysia.

Complaints

Ohmyblogiloveyousomuch! Yes, you can tell that I'm either drunk or sleepy. And I'm prohibited from alcohol so it's gotta be the second one. Why am I still not sleeping you ask? Well, I had to write this journal assignment for my transfer seminar class. Just completed, now catching up with friends back at home. I was just telling Albert how ever since I came here, I've been complaining a lot about my life. I love it here. I do appreciate this great education opportunity. But housekeeping details in my life have been agitating to me. Because I live on my own now, I have to worry about the internet bills, the rent, my mobile no. and FOOD! I buy groceries every weekend but somehow I never find time to really cook for lunch or like today, no food the entire day. I woke up late, thinking I can just go to class at 11.20 and that's it. But no...I had to go to the Visa office because they didn't scan my documents properly and then, I had to decide whether I should drop this writing class or not. Easy A vs. More Time. In the end, I dropped it but I had to wait till my writing class today is over for whatever nostalgic reasons I had. So, I was late for my next class which is Psychology (my major=very important). I couldn't go to class before dropping the class because today is the last day to drop subjects. Yupp, it's so me.

I do realize that I have more complaints about everything in general. It shouldn't be like that. My non-Christian friends here embrace the godly principle of not complaining better than I do. Oh, sure...PSY338 is hard. Just suck it up and do it! Get an A! Get into grad school! No, get into grad school in Stanford! This shall be a beautiful memory of me beating myself up. Gooooonight lovely people! :)

American English 101

Say a lot of 'like's, 'basically's and 'oh my god's in your sentences. You'll fit right in. It does have negative consequences, however. One big one being that some people will eventually get annoyed at the repititive words.

Life as a student

Sad thing about living as a student? I have to cut corners everywhere. I just ate out of the pan I cooked with and it also happens to be my kettle/pot. Oh, I'm using disposable spoon and chopsticks I got from chinese takeaway. Ahh...this is why they say students have no money.

Updates!

A few updates in my life:
1) My laptop went dead on me. I believe it's not salvageable, unless I'm willing to fork up 700 big ones for it. So, I'm currently working on my sister's laptop which she got with her allowance (HA!) and now she doesn't want it. It was supposed to be my brother's slave computer but somehow he gets little electric shocks from using it. I'm now using a laptop named Jen Hoe and has none of my stuff in it except a folder for Afterschool.

2) I finally couldn't take all the pressure from balancing my Stony Brook preparations AND my job that I told Rajah I would quit in the middle of the month instead of the end. He was pretty cool about it. Yeah, I have a really nice boss. If only he could be less demanding. Or maybe I'm just lazy since I've never gotten a real job before and therefore, never known real pressure. [Rajah, if you're reading this, you know I love you! Hahahaha. Please don't write a bad testimonial for me.]

3) I'm finally gonna move to Stony Brook, New York! Yays for me! A lot of people around me has been oohing and ahhing about New York City when I tell them about SBU. It's an awesome place since it's only about an hour and half from The City that Never Sleeps, The Big Apple, the home of The Statue of Liberty, Times Square (THE Times Square and not Berjaya's rip-off version) and Broadway. I really appreciate being so near a metropolitan and all (kinda reminds of of home in Cheras where it's only half an hour away from KL city center) but I wouldn't have minded being in a suburban/rural area because people would be friendlier.

Speaking of moving to New York, these past few weeks has been really busy for me. I had to renew my passport (don't get me started on the immigration department!), apply for visa (who knew I had to pay so much and fill in so many forms for it!?), find an apartment, start shopping and packing and say my goodbyes. Nope, I still haven't found a place. Rent is really expensive, it's about $400 a month. Still, it's cheaper than living off-campus which is about $569 a month, and I can't cook. Meaning, crappy cafeteria food everyday.
I have no people to depend on there so I was kinda afraid of going-still am, a little. Thankfully, my sister has a couple of friends from SBU and I got Ms. Naini to help with contacting a few HELP seniors there. SBU has this Commuter Assistant program too.

I still feel pretty bad about not being smart enough to get a scholarship. Why is it always like that, huh? I've always been in the top class in school and I'm one of the good students in college (I think) but I'm never the best. In school, it was Gayathri and in college, it was uhh...someone I didn't know but definitely not me. I've always gotten better than average scores but not the best. In SPM, I was one A away from a scholarship. Well, at that time anyway. Now, HELP ADP decided to lower their requirements and if I entered college this year, I could've knocked off RM2,000 off my tuition. Not a lot, but it's something. Most scholarships need at least a 3.5 and what do I have? A 3.45! I'm so close but yet so far. I'm always the underdog.
I want to make my parents proud. It breaks my heart sometimes when I see how my dad has to work in Johor, away from the family and his whole life just to be able to support my education. Gah! So frustrating. If only I knew that this day would come. Then I would've taken Form 6 instead and saved us that RM30k. Or at least applied for a PTPTN loan.

I'm crossing my fingers and hope for the best for my experience in SBU. I'll commit all my time into academics, networking and employment. Pray for me!

Accepted!

I got accepted by Stony Brook University! Teehee! It's about $25,132 for tuition and room+board. It's pretty cheap for a good Psychology school. But with my dad retired and all...I'm still not sure if I should accept the offer. Sigh...I should just apply for the Singapore Scholarship and see how it goes. Anyway, here's the e-mail I got;

Dear Audrey,

Yes, we did receive the documents. At this point, I am pleased to inform you that we have reviewed your academic records and you are eligible for admission to Stony Brook University. In order to be fully accepted to Stony Brook University and to obtain an I-20 to study at a U.S. institution, you must submit the following financial documents. For further assistance on organizing your application and required supporting academic documentation please view the International Undergraduate Application Checklist & Instructions.

~[list of documents omitted]~

Stony Brook University Processing Center Mailing Address:
Stony Brook University
UG Processing - INTL
279 Broadway
Albany, NY 12204-2755
U.S.A.

Thank you,
Bogdan Scurtu

I'm not sure if I'll even go but knowing that a university accepted me just feels darn good. Since I got rejected by Berea College, I thought I'll never transfer to the US. At least there's a lil' bit of hope now. Thank you, Stony Brook! :)

Rejection

So, Berea replied to me yesterday with this e-mail:

Dear Wai Siong:

The International Admissions Committee would like to thank you for the interest you have shown in Berea College. However, I am sorry to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission at this time. You are invited to apply again next year, but you will need to resubmit all of your materials and use the new International Application form, which will be available in June 2011.

International students are highly valued by Berea College, a learning, labor, and service community that has always sought to welcome all peoples of the earth. However, our mission to serve the Appalachian mountain region limits us to only 30 international students per year, despite the fact that we receive application materials from more than 1,000 students worldwide.

Please accept our best wishes as you continue to pursue your educational goals.

Sincerely,

Luke Hodson
Director of Admissions

PS: Regrettably, we are unable to return your application materials to you or forward them to another institution on your behalf.

Sigh...I placed a lot of hope into this college. I really thought I was going to get in because my SAT scores were up to their standards. Maybe it's because I'm a transfer student and my credits are harder to transfer? Or maybe I'm just not meant to go to the US? One thing's for sure; if #67 Berea doesn't accept me, why would Trinity College that's ranked #36 take me in? Even if the acceptance rate is higher in Trinity.

When I read the e-mail yesterday, I knew it wasn't gonna be good. Usually when it's good news, they'd name the mail something along the lines of; "Berea welcomes you!" or "Congratulations!" but noooo~ the subject for my mail was; "Regarding your application for admission" I didn't know they'd reply me that fast...the website said they'd send out letters in April. Maybe I'm just that much out of their radar that they rejected me first? I felt numb..I can't even bring myself to read the whole letter (even until now), I just picked up words like, "sorry" and "unable to offer".

I wanted to cry and ask God why couldn't I get in!? Is it because I didn't pray hard enough? But the reason why I didn't pray hard enough was that I didn't know where God planned for me to go. If I could've gotten in when I prayed hard enough, I would hate myself so much right now. My heart hurts so bad...Berea would've been an answer to my parents' financial problems. I could get a cheap college with the expense of the academic standards, but I don't want that! I think I deserve to get a good education. Berea just sits right in the middle of the academic-finance scale. It was perfect.

But life just sucks sometimes, huh? With that door closed, I'm just hoping that the other two doors will open. If this fourth door named Singapore Scholarship (which is way harder to get into) opens, I'd just go along with it. It's not my dream, but who cares about my dreams? My priority right now should be what God has planned for me to do. I only hope that he'd make it clearer to me what his plans are so I won't place my hopes in the wrong places. Read: If Stanford University is not where I'm meant to be, please tell me so. I don't want to feel this bad anymore. There's no way I'd get into Stanford for my undergraduate studies, I'm hoping I'd get in for my postgrad. I kept thinking however, "If the world ends before I get into my Masters, I'd never set foot on Stanford grounds." ARGH!! Why did I ever make Albert Bandura my mentor? ('Cause he's the awesome-st theorist still alive today?)

Kiss Goodbye

GOODBYE CARMEN SUM YUEN YEE!

My very first college friend.

Very good assignment buddy.

When I think of you, I think of;

Determination.

Being ambitious.

Being committed.

Wang Lee Hom.

As a tribute to you, I listened to Wang Lee Hom today.

I will see you next year~!

Remember to write and Skype me loads! ^^

I get it now

Sometimes, I feel like I'm all alone in the world, especially since I'm leaving soon. We had so many plans...go on a trip to Melaka, baking cupcakes, karaoke. Can I do all that before I go? None of the people I know here will follow me to the States, so why bother getting closer now? It will just hurt more when we part.

I'm counting down to the day when I have to say goodbye. I have yet to choose the university that I want to attend, let alone apply. But it still feels closer than ever. Always Be My Baby by David Cook on replay.

We were as one babe

For a moment in time

And it seemed everlasting

That you would always be mine

Now you want to be free

So I'm letting you fly

Cause I know in my heart babe

Our love will never die

No!

You'll always be a part of me

I'm a part of you indefinitely

Girl don't you know you can't escape me

Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

And we'll linger on

Time can't erase a feeling this strong

No way you're never gonna shake me

Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no

And I won't beg you to stay

If you're determined to leave girl

I will not stand in your way

But inevitably you'll be back again

Cause ya know in your heart babe

Our love will never end no

You'll always be a part of me

I'm part of you indefinitely

Girl don't you know you can't escape me

Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

And we'll linger on

Time can't erase a feeling this strong

No way you're never gonna shake me

Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back girl

When your days and your nights get a little bit colder oooohhh

I know that, you'll be right back, babe

Ooooh! baby believe me it's only a matter of time

You'll always be a part of me

I'm part of you indefinitely

Girl don't you know you can't escape me

Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

And we'll linger on

Time can't erase a feeling this strong

No way you're never gonna shake me

Ooh darling cause you'll always be my my baby....

You'll always be a part of me (you will always be)

I'm part of you indefinitely

Girl don't you know you can't escape me

Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

And we'll linger on (we will linger on....)

Time can't erase a feeling this strong

No way you're never gonna shake me

Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

Always be my baby

Credits: Lyricsty

Sujuland!

Sujuland...where Super Junior songs play in your head 24 hours and you dream about them in your sleep. Where flowers with Super Junior faces grow among pearl sapphire blue grass. That's where I was the whole week after the concert. I couldn't do any real work after that. All I did was check Sapphire Pearls a few times everyday, watch Super Junior videos and search for SS2 Malaysia photos. I had a 10 page research paper to pass up that Friday and I haven't written a single word! But somehow, it felt okay...I felt 'happy'. Before, I would've freaked out about it and felt extreme guilt.

You know when you write, there's a flow? Yeah, I lost that after the concert. Before, words would just pop into my head, I'd write them down, and they'd make total sense! For the first time in my college life, I couldn't meet the page limit. We were supposed to write a 10 page report and we only managed to write 9 pages. I felt like half my brain was still in Sujuland...basically, I felt stupid. People, I have a normal IQ level.

For the first time, I felt like totally giving up on the report and go play. I'm the serious one in the group. When I complete something, I feel a sense of accomplishment, pride. This time, I only wrote the paper for the sake of writing and I felt ashamed to hand it in...it didn't feel like I wrote it. They're just a bunch of words put together. Please, don't let me get a C...B is my limit. Worst of all, that subject is a big part of my major. In about 9 months, more work, less time and I'll be by my lonesome self. How am I going to survive in the US?

Open the skies

Sigh..hunting for unis is not easy. I really don't know where to go, somewhere that is in budget and good for psychology. There are so many unis out there. Where should I go? I'm already trying to increase my CGPA further. I really don't want to use up my parents' retirement funds. God, help me to make the right choices.